We have a son who is turning 5 soon. Before I was even pregnant with him, I had many ideas for a business. That was around the time I “officially” started writing my books. Since then many things have changed. Many of my ideas packed up and left me. But with the longing I had to pursue a self proclaimed business, it was hard to get things written out as fast as I could think. Once I became pregnant though things changed dramatically in my life. I had lost my “real” job about 3 months into carrying our child. That was really hard for me. Not just because it had been the first time I felt like a real adult. The first time I felt like I had an actual purpose with real responsibilities. But mostly because I couldn’t cut it. I could not handle the environment of my job and carry a baby all at the same time. Emotionally I was not with it and my body was horribly exhausted. I slept a lot. My husband and I fought a lot during that 9 excruciating months. Every time I had thoughts, or words, or even the start of more ideas on a page I’d pass right out, and would have to start all over again when I finally awoke. My brain had a horrible time functioning. I hate to put it that way, because I did have a choice. I just completely blew it. I did not stand firm and fight for what I wanted. I didn’t actively fight for a better life. I just sat there and slept or ate or whatever I “needed” to do. By the time I gave birth, we were both so relieved I was back to my normal self. We agreed we wouldn’t have any more kids, and we also agreed I wouldn’t get a different real job just yet. That I would stay home and take care of our little family. That’s when I began to realize that I was capable of so much more then just doing house work and changing diapers.
I want to be a somebody. I want to show people that you can be whoever you want to be. Even though it is awful cheesy to say, especially out loud, its actually a huge deal. Not all people know that, not all people have been told that. You can be whoever you want to be. Many people have had their dreams completely shot down and they never truly recovered from it. Honestly it is terrible to think of how many ideas and roads have been completely hindered. Just because of someone else’s “thoughts”. After having the baby, It took a while for me to get back into the swing of things. So many business ideas still flooded my brain. A jewelry store, that I will one day own. A coffee shop that sells chocolates AND wine. A personalized greeting card service. There are so many more ideas with those. Those are just my favorite ones. I like to think; One day I will actually be capable of creating those dreams in reality. Though through them all, I have always known that I want/wanted to be a writer.
A writer is gifted with the ability to do Anything. Thinking deeply about it, its hard to not see how much potential a writer has. They have the power within their pen to make Anything possible. That is very intriguing to me. Even though some ideas never leave the page, they are still in existence. Existing is a large deal as well. If you don’t know why, then you need to look up the definition of it.
Life had gotten busy again. We reconnected with old friends, my husband reconnected with his father’s side of his family. With all of the family and friends being present in our lives again, it was hard to stay on track to finding where my existence needed to be. Obviously with my son and husband, but most days I knew my life was calling for a higher purpose. I could actually feel being needed outside of my comfort zone of laundry and dishes. We finally got moved into an apartment all together. Then of course had gotten pregnant again not very long after. It was hard to not be angry about getting knocked up. As selfish as that makes me sound. But we were happy, and doing well. Had a decent income, I was finally loosing all the weight I had gained with our first baby, and things had just finally started to settle better. I was in shock. I didn’t want to be pregnant. We hated the obstacles we had to overcome the first time. So the reality of doing it again totally blew.
Knowing what I know now, I would not change a single minute of our experience. Being with child the second time was completely different. We were in a better place, we were expecting the worst, but we knew we could handle it this time. About 3 months into our pregnancy number two I learned that We could completely handle it. That this wasn’t a tragedy. That my thoughts were level and I could actually accomplish things I needed to do. I was capable, not broken. My mom had introduced me to the new Bible app, that I had never heard of before. I began to read in it daily. I began to explore different book titles and different places of research again. I began to find myself again. Realizing I could do all things was such a huge milestone in my life. Even though my daughter did not want my body to drink water or eat many foods, I still felt sooo blessed. I knew we were/are blessed and It changed my life.
I have so many ideas since. I have a huge handful of book titles started. Three folders worth of business ideas and adventures. But right now, at this point in my life, I feel I need to learn more. Also I need to explore my ability to write to an actual audience. The people around me are great. I just don’t feel like they understand who I am. I know for a fact they have no idea of who I want to be. Its hard to feel like you are doing something monumental in your life when know one around you makes you feel like you are. We all have battles to fight. We all have battles we are currently fighting. We all have needs, wants and dreams. But it is up to ourselves to fight for who and what we are/want to be.
“My unique advice for tonight; Start actually pursuing who you want to be!”
Unlike many people, I want to know who you are. I want to know who you want to be. I can also guarantee, God wants you to be who you are. We were meant to live for so much more. We just have to believe we can do it.
Next week I will elaborate more on where I started. I will also answer any questions you may have, only if you actually ask though. 😉
Thank you for giving me time out of your day. DO NOT forget to give yourself time daily , whether its just to sit for five minutes or write out ideas for ten, give yourself time to find who you are. It is worth the time. You can be whoever you want to be, ONLY if you diligently pursue it.
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